Friday, December 6, 2013


So I have a thing for beards.  and men with an odd sense of humour. and men who are completely opposite of anything resembling what society thinks a man should embody/look/act.

I met Malcolm when I was studying music about 5 years ago. Back when I was still figuring out the difference between being a girl who dated boys, to becoming a woman who enjoyed being held, being teased, being kissed passionately and every other delectable action that goes along with intimacy.
                 We never conversed much, aside from the random music hallway glances and that one time when every music student dressed up for halloween and went into the concourse to take group pictures.
 Fast forward to fall/winter 2012/2013 when he began frequenting my coffee shop. Malcolm started working at a store within my mall and was visiting us near every other day. It started with a simple "sup" head nod, without word exchanged most days, he usually got a tall in a grande pike...       I don't precisely remember the moment in which I determined I would pursue him, all I could say is that one day I thought to myself, "fuck yea. I love the blondie beard and crisp blue eyes."    He had asked me what was new and with the line up out the door, I didn't even get a chance to respond. So I had messaged him later via facebook where everyone is a friend of a friend of a mutual friend and so on and so forth.  I had given him my number so we could "catch up, or hang out" with mutual friends and support each others bands. For obvious reasons, both of us had a different agenda.          Our first official date/hangout was at the well known St. Augustine's on Commercial drive. It was January, and I wore the tightest jeans I could fit my ass into with boots, a loose-fitting black blouse and a belt with a bow in the back. He wore jeans and a fitted button down shirt on his thin body. He was maybe 5'7" and most likely only weighed about 10-20 lbs more than me. He had the most devilish smile, an air of unwavered confidence and an intensely intuitive way of gently touching the small of my back.  Needless to say, although his personality pushed him to dominate the majority of conversation, I was in. Whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. I would let him.                              We drunkenly left the bar and he found a route back to his place without main roads, because I was in absolutely NO condition to drive. (I do not, nor do my actions that night condone drinking and driving!)  

     We stumbled up his old narrow steps to the front door and even more up to his room. I was so nervous about what would happen that the entire time I made excuses about wanting to play a game, wanting another drink, anything that would push off any advances... I had a gut feeling that this guy is so passionate in every other aspect of his life, he would undeniably be just as passionate and considerate as a lover.    So he grabbed his iPad and we played scrabble, about 3 games worth. We watched a BBC show on youtube and I ended up passing out on his bed.  

and really, that was it. I slept over. We just slept. we hardly even cuddled really. I woke up the next day and drove home.  unsatisfied?

Well, we hung out 3-4 more times. Much the same way; drinking and playing scrabble, watching youtube, and chatting.  I was so nervous and he was very genuine about keeping a respectful distance until he knew I was comfortable with his closeness.          and It happened when we were sitting on his bed, talking and playing scrabble. I inched next to him and let my legs rest against his, then perhaps a hand would rest on his leg until it was my turn to play a word. Every inch I made closer, he reciprocated.          My heart was beating so fast and I couldn't control the butterflies in my stomach... and then we sat there, with our legs crossed and intertwined, and we just stared at each other,   and then I had to look away. I knew it was going to happen, and I wanted to resist it for just a bit longer.         He leaned in when my head was turned down, and he gently put his lips on mine..... for what seemed like, a long time.  And then he kissed me again, only harder.                    (blank space)           I can't remember much past those initial kisses,     it was one of those "getting lost in the moments" type of thing.   The kind of thing that only happens when you least expect it, with the person you least expect it too, in the most sincerest way.         And he was odd. He was odd in every aspect, and frustrating, and amazing, and endearing, and FUN.  and I had him for a few months. and I learned so much about myself, and how to interact with other people, different people.   and now he needed to do his own thing.

He's been gone a little over a month now, gone to play music on a ship and cruising around tropical places.
 And I still think about him. and dream about him. and message him on facebook. and miss him ]../  

and that was Meerrr.  A person in time that I felt so secure to become myself with, and voice opinions I never knew I had, and to love without conviction or fear, and who loved me in return for ME. that was his thing, that was what he said. it was always "just you" he said he loved. just me.

Because of who I am.  


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