Well here we are - fall: When the weather is getting colder at times but your never certain if you want to dress for those chilly foggy mornings or the warmer sunny afternoons.
We often change our routine drastically, or get into one that seems to fit.......... something comfortable. Ya' know, like putting on those your 6 year old talula leggings that are too short now and show off your ankles, that long sleeved hand-me-down shirt from your girlfriend and that pair of soft, weird looking socks your grandma put in your stockings because she said they looked "cozy."
I like to feel cozy. I like to feel comfortable. I like to feel warm and I like to feel like I'm my own ray of sunshine - and someone else's as well. Long story short folks, I have fallen. I've fallen so deep that I lose myself when I'm with him. I forget that I have a plan - a working plan to figure out what I need to do in my life to be happy. And I just love those times we spend together, where I lose myself, and he is all mine, and nothing else even fucking matters. I will cherish these memories my whole life. The shower we took in Pacific City after 5 days of wearing the same underwear, the Tuesday we spent in bed, literally, all day.... all the silly late night phone calls and messages declaring his love to me. All the crazy moments where he's looked at me and felt so proud and happy and confident like he couldn't have picked a better time in space to look at me and feel the happiest he could in that moment.
I don't forget who I am with him, it's just easy for me to get swept away with our time together that when we do spend time apart, I tend to mope. I tend to feel lazy, complacent and bored. Like WHAT THE FUCK?! Have I really become that person that can't function without her companion by her side?
I need a fucking life. yup.
YES, I know that I can't be sad when he decides not to spend my days off with me. YES, I know I that we need time apart to continue being in love with each other and not ourselves through each other. It's the time apart that makes us happier when we do get to be together. And I love that. I love that he is a mystery and wants me to be as well. And I love it, abso-fuckin-lutely LOVE it when he is happy as a puppy when he does get to see me and all I want to do is hug him so tightly that it feels like theres no heavy winter coats separating our bodies from actually touching. I love him so much, that it scares me, and I certainly know it scares the hell of him as well.
I read somewhere that when you fall in love with someone, and really TRULY care about someone else, (I guess you could call them your soul mate): it's because the atoms that make you both up were close together when the universe was created and have been drifting back towards each other ever since. BAM. whoa. pretty, epic shit.
So I guess it's really only natural for me to want to be around him. And it really doesn't matter if we are doing something together, sometimes I just like to be near him. To be in his presence. To know that I can be doing my own thing, he can be doing his own thing, but that we are in the same vicinity. It's comforting. like home, you know?
So what have I changed or learned since I first began writing this post? Well a few things:
- I have to be
OKhappy being alone.
- I can't expect to see him every spare moment he has. (That goes both ways.)
- I need to do the things that nourish my soul and make me the person he loves.
- I can't let my fear of not seeing him today or tomorrow stop me from making other plans.
I'm sure I have learned some other valuable lessons, and I'm still learning everyday.
The beauty of all this? -> I get to be me AND be with him.
And really, that's all that I've wanted:
To be with the man of my dreams and to be me. Whoever I am and may grow into.
Always full of love.